Worthless
by NellenRusher
Summary: As soon as I slammed the door shut and made sure it was locked, I slid to the floor, dropping my nightwear on the ground as I fell. I pulled at my hair and tried my best to not scream, I really didn't want the others to hear me. I needed to let it out though. / one-shot for Never Been Hurt/ cutting involved.


**I wrote this to let out all my emotions tbh. I'm falling into a really dark place so I'm hoping writing this will be some help. **

**I know I'm terrible when it comes to writing and posting but I have a lot of work atm and it's taking over and ruining my life as well as my parents divorce, which is only adding to the pressure. **

**So this is teenage Kendall from Never Been Hurt. I wanted to put his feelings out about his dad but not in the actual story before I finish the next chapter. **

**This does have cutting in it so I'm warning you now. It is not necessary to read but couldhelp possibly in understanding Kendall's attitude and anger to his father. **

**I do hope it is not horrible as I was very emotional when I wrote this. And I was on my phone so apologies for any mistakes. Enjoy!**

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"YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIFE!"

"YOU'RE NO SON OF MINE!"

"YOU'RE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO THE KNIGHT NAME!"

My father's words ran through my head as I grabbed my things for a shower. Carlos was currently playing video games with James and Logan was helping Katie with her homework. Mum was out as well, on a girls night with some of the mum's from the Palm Woods. I was alone. I fought back the tears just until I got into the bathroom. It's all I had to do. That small yet huge task.

As soon as I slammed the door shut and made sure it was locked, I slid to the floor, dropping my nightwear on the ground as I fell. I pulled at my hair and tried my best to not scream, I really didn't want the others to hear me. I needed to let it out though. The ache from pulling my hair did very little to mend my feelings. Worthless Kendall you're so worthless.

I got up and stripped before standing in front of the bathroom mirror and took in my appearance.

Pale skin.

I've been in LA a few months now and I've been getting a sickening colour to my skin. Ever since the calls began.

The bags under my eyes.

I resulted in stealing a small compact of powder from my mum just to cover up the fact I don't sleep any more. I stay awake until I hear Carlos' snores and then I cry. That's why I'm always so tired.

My eyes seemed to have lost any real emotion.

Just an empty colour that gets interest in people. But this person is pathetic.

I lost weight too.

I really hope these changes can't be noticed but I can't keep those hopes too high. I will be found out eventually.

Now I draw my eyes to my arms, my hips, my stomach and my thighs.

Cuts. Fresh and old. His words did this. His truthful words. Worthless Kendall you're so worthless. I slowly traced my fingers over each individual neat, perfect and pain relieving cut on my body. The fresher ones stung a little to my touch but I deserved it. I deserve and need each one of these. Worthless Kendall you're so worthless.

I finally finished staring at myself and went to grab my wash bag from the wall to hang it up in the shower as it gets crowded in this bathroom we keep everything individual. I switched on the shower to the hottest temperature and let the water scould my skin for a little while before turning it down, still rather hot but more bearable. I washed myself and repeated words in my head. His words.

Venom rich.

True words.

His true words laced in venom sink into my soul.

Punishing myself.

"GOOD FOR NOTHING!"

I let the soap fall into my eyes but I didn't care. I welcomed the stinging.

"SELFISH, SPOILED BRAT!"

I banged my fist to the shower wall not caring for the bruise that was sure to show up from the collision.

"KENDALL YOU'RE A DISGRACE!"

I didn't bother rinsing the soap before diving into my shower bag and pulling out the blades I had stashed away to the shower floor I let out shaking sobs as I know I need to be quiet. The water is beating on my face but that doesn't stop me from my mission. Worthless Kendall you're so worthless.

I drag the blade along my hips. I watch as the blood clots on the surface and trails down my skin. I do this a few more times before I move my attention to my stomach. Slowly cutting lines across my skin. Enjoying the feeling somewhat. The pain almost took away the other pains I was feeling. Almost was. I looked down hissing as the water beat onto my wounds. `Worthless` was now cut into my skin. I hadn't realised I was doing that until it was done. Until it was too late. Worthless Kendall you're so worthless.

I finally finish my shower and dry off being delicate with my hips and stomach. I wrap a bandage around myself to help heal and making my dance rehearsal tomorrow not be as painful. Even though I deserve the pain. I got dressed in my onesie making sure there were no exposed cuts before brushing my teeth and washing my face. I tried smiling in the mirror and only coming up with the tiny pathetic one I did. Not even worthy of tricking everyone in the apartment. Walking out of the bathroom I see Logan warming some milk. "Ken would you like some?" I nodded and sat at the counter waiting for it. Logan handed me a mug averting his eyes from mine hiding a blush. He's so cute. You're too screwed up for him Kendall. He deserves someone better. I sat and drank my milk with Logan before he looked at me. "Is everything okay?" He asked me care swimming in his words and facial features. "Yes." I replied. I didn't really want to talk much. Even though it is Logan. My best friend. "You spoke to him again didn't you? " I nodded. Logan walked around theu counter and stood behind me before wrapping his arms around me. Holding me. In that moment I was at peace with my mind. "I'm here to talk if you need to. Ever. In the middle of the night. Any time. Please do talk to me if you need to." I wish I could Logan. I can't ever hurt you though. I nodded and pulled away. "Thanks for the milk." I whispered.

I slipped into bed. Thoughts consuming me again. Carlos' gentle snores filling the room. I traced my fingers over the outline of the bandage remembering what I had done.

Worthless Kendall you're so worthless.

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**So that was that. **

**Go read Never Been Hurt and Nearly There which will come in later on in the story. Much later but it's a cute one for now ;)**

**Please tell me what you all think. I would love any comments. **

**I have a twitter too: /NellenRusher so hopefully you'll follow me and I'll tweet with updates.**

**Until next time ~NellenRusher**


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